


Losing Touch

by tiredandjaded (CallingVersatile)



Series: source decay [2]
Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Sibling Relationship, Fairly Copious Swearing, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mostly hurt though, Self-Destructive Behavior, Trans Eda Clawthorne, Underage Drinking, takes place when Eda and Lilith are teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29336028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallingVersatile/pseuds/tiredandjaded
Summary: With Lilith having left Hexside for her Emperor's Coven apprenticeship, Eda is struggling. School sucks, home is weird, and it all comes back to her mysterious curse—but the worst part of all of it is that Eda doesn't have her sister by her side to help her through it. So when Lilith sends word that she'll be able to visit for the weekend, Eda is overjoyed, and arranges for a Clawthorne sibling celebration—Lilith's favorite meal, a cake, and of course, some mischief in the form of a bottle pilfered from their parents' liquor cabinet.It could have been a night of laughter, celebration, and catching up with the person Eda misses more than anyone in the world… if Lilith had bothered to show up.
Relationships: Eda Clawthorne & Lilith Clawthorne
Series: source decay [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2160120
Comments: 33
Kudos: 65





	1. no light anywhere

Eda wasn’t entirely sure what, exactly, she was drinking. But whatever it was, it was fucking atrocious. 

The bottle had been spirited away in the dead of night, under invisibility _and_ muffling spells, from the very back of their mother’s liquor cabinet. She only touched the thing once in a black moon, Eda reasoned; she wouldn’t notice it was gone. Still, she had avoided the conspicuously large wine bottles and settled for a smaller, squat bottle with some sort of golden liquor inside. The occasion? Nothing less than Lilith’s first visit home in _months._ When Lilith had sent a message by crystal ball earlier that week, explaining that the coven had given her a rare weekend off and to expect her home before dinner on Friday, Eda had been so excited she could barely sleep. School that week may have contained an unfortunate (for her teachers and classmates, anyway) number of pranks, Eda having more than a little nervous energy to burn off. She was going to see Lilith for the first time in months! Sure, they talked on the crystal ball occasionally, but it wasn’t the same. Not at all. 

She would never admit it to anyone else, but of all the shake-ups she had gone through lately, Lilith leaving Hexside early for her Emperor’s Coven apprenticeship had been the hardest to adjust to.

The mysterious and sudden onset of a magic-draining, transformation-inducing curse? Whatever, Eda was a tough girl. So what if it was a little harder to do magic? She was a wild witch (or she would be, anyways) with more power to spare than she knew what to do with. No way was something like that going to slow her down. 

The whispers that followed her in the hallways, the nervous glances and mocking graffiti left scrawled on her locker? Like Eda had ever given a shit about what those nobodies thought of her! They were all content to file themselves into coven-based servitude. Eda was aiming higher than that, of course they wouldn’t understand. So what if a few of her friends from before the incident didn’t hang out with her anymore? That just meant she knew she could trust the few that stayed. 

But Lilith leaving… yeah, that one hurt. Hurt her deep down inside, like a bruise on her heart that just wouldn’t heal. It was supposed to be Edalyn and Lilith, together ‘til the end. In her weakest moments, Eda wondered what could have been if there had been no curse. If, instead of just Eda backing down, both of them had refused to fight one another. 

_Like she ever would’ve done that._

Eda brought the bottle to her lips for another swig, resolutely ignoring the way her throat burned and her eyes watered at the sensation. She would say she didn’t understand why anyone drank this stuff, but there was an oddly pleasant burning in her gut, and her head swam, making it difficult to think in a way that was _very_ appealing at the moment. It was kinda like magical exhaustion, that loose, delirious feeling, but without the splitting headache or body fatigue. 

What was she thinking about? Oh, right. Lilith. 

So, yeah. When she’d heard that Lilith was going to be coming to visit, of course Eda had wanted to celebrate. She had already talked Mom and Dad into making Lilith’s favorite meal the night she arrived, and had picked up a cake from the bakery, but what kind of Clawthorne sibling celebration would be complete without a little mischief? It had been months since Eda had talked her older sis into doing something irresponsible, she was going through withdrawal! The liquor had been stored away in the back of Lilith’s closet, wrapped in a blanket—rather unnecessarily, as her parents had little reason to go inside—and left in waiting. 

(So maybe Eda hadn’t exactly been drunk before. She had stolen sips of wine when her parents weren’t looking, and it didn’t seem like anything special to her. Besides, Lilith had just turned 18 last month, and if Lilith was allowed to do something, Eda wasn’t going to let a silly thing like ‘legal drinking age’ get in her way. She might not have been able to stop Lilith from leaving her behind, but she could at least make sure Lilith didn’t see her as a kid)

The morning of the visit, with Lilith set to arrive just a few hours after Eda got home from school, Eda had reached a resolution. She wasn’t going to tell Lilith about school, or how she was struggling with the curse, or anything. 

It had been tempting, and she would admit, when her parents had told her Lilith would be visiting, Eda’s first thought was that finally, she could talk to someone about how fucking awful everything had gotten. How everyone looked at her like a freak—first when they thought she wasn’t looking, then openly—how the teachers’ exasperation had turned to outright scorn, how even mom and dad weren’t sure what to do with her. Eda didn’t care what they thought, of course. She would fight the whole Isles and win if she had to. But… with Lilith, she _didn’t_ have to. Lilith had been the first person to truly see Eda, she understood her like no one else ever had. 

_Then why isn’t she here for you?_ Eda had stomped the thought down like she was crushing a bloodworm, grinding it under her heel for good measure, but more took its place. Her mood on the way to school had been stormy, causing everyone to give her even wider a berth than she was used to. Eda didn’t _need_ anyone to be “here for her.” So what if Lilith had left to go take her glorious destiny as some stuck-up tool. 

If even thinking about bringing all that up to Lilith did a number on her mood, then the solution was obvious. When Lilith arrived, Eda would just… pack all that away. She would have fun with her older sister, play pranks on her, paint each other’s nails and stay up too late talking in Lilith’s room. It would be just like old times! 

School had gone surprisingly well after that, in the sense that Eda could barely remember the day’s events. After the first time she had transformed in school, teachers never really called on her anymore, not even to test whether she had been paying attention in class. That suited Eda just fine. She skipped more often than not, anyways, choosing to eschew her full schedule of Potions courses for the far more varied delights her shortcut room offered. Bump would have lost it if he knew that Hexside was unknowingly teaching all nine tracks of magic to one Edalyn Clawthorne, local delinquent, but he had his hands full enough trying to figure out where exactly she went when she cut class. She had shot out of the bus as it arrived at her stop, and ran all the way home. Mom was already in the kitchen, doing the prep work for braised gristlehorn ribs. Eda hovered around, sneaking bits of food and generally making a nuisance of herself, but before too long, her mom had unsubtly “suggested” that Eda get a head start on her homework so she could have the rest of the evening free when Lilith arrived. 

Eda hadn’t actually turned in a homework assignment in at least three weeks, but there was no need for her mom to know about that, so she trudged up to her room with her backpack in tow and tossed it down on her bed. 

Homework was boring, though, and Eda already knew everything she needed to know about Potions, and the teachers couldn’t kick her out ‘cause she passed any practical exam with flying colors. She got as far as spreading her homework out on her cluttered desk before deciding she had better things to do. So what if those better things were laying on her back in bed, staring at the ceiling? 

Dinner had started to smell delicious, anyways. The scent of seasoned, roasting meat wafted up from downstairs, reminding Eda that in just a few short hours, she would see Lilith again. She wasn’t going soft, or anything, but… she was really looking forward to getting a big hug from her sister. Everything just felt better when she was around; Lilith would always be a shield between Eda and a world that wanted to beat her down.

_At least, she used to be._

Ugh, no, she wasn’t doing this! Today was going to be nice! Eda didn’t need protecting, so it was fine that Lilith had left her. Had left for the coven, that is. 

Eda had rolled off of the bed, landing on her feet and stretching. She opened the door to her room and peered out—no sign of Mom or Dad.

She would never, ever admit it, but ever since the curse had manifested, Eda had felt just the slightest bit unsettled in her own room. The most embarrassing thing about it was that it was all from a stupid dream. The first time it happened was a week after the disastrous duel. Eda had awoken, heart hammering in her chest, from a dream of a shadowy figure slipping into her room while she slept. The figure loomed over her, doing nothing and saying nothing, but a sense of dread mounted in Eda as she stared down at her own sleeping form, growing worse and worse, before she awoke. 

Feathers were pushing themselves out of her arms, and she grappled desperately for the elixir her parents had taken to reminding her to keep by her bed. 

The curse. It had to be about the curse. It was obviously just her subconscious coming up with some explanation for her sudden affliction—there was no way Eda had been cursed in her own bed, after all—but it kept happening. Not every night, not even every week, but it stuck in her mind like a burr, itching and prickling at her as she tried to fall asleep. 

So, she had taken to spending her time in Lilith’s room. The chaos had a more specific order to it than Eda’s own room, and the familiar belongings—posters and stuffed animals, childhood toys and sibling art projects with too much sentimental value to discard—put her at ease. Plus, Lilith’s bed was bigger than Eda’s, and she always had the nicest blankets. It just made sense for Eda to use her room; it’s not like Lilith needed it. 

That’s how Eda had passed away the final few hours until dinner. She mostly practiced her magic, summoning ever more intricate illusions with Lilith’s turquoise fleece blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and then it was seven. Sure, Lilith wasn’t supposed to be home until 7:30, but she had always been absurdly punctual, oftentimes arriving well before the given hour. Eda had bounced downstairs with a spring in her step, certain that in just a few minutes, she would be reunited with her sister. 

The table was set with their finest dishware, Mom pointedly reminding Eda to be careful with the plates, and the meal portioned out. Any minute now, they would hear that knock on the door. 

By 7:30, there was still no sign of Lilith. Eda had started fidgeting by 7:25; Lilith was never just ‘on time.’ It was almost eight when Mom had sighed and said that they may as well get started on dinner. Deaf to Eda’s protests, dinner had been served. Eda barely touched her own food, too preoccupied by listening for the knock at the front door she knew would come any second. 

Three plates were cleared, the final one containing Lilith’s portion (Eda had made sure the juiciest looking ribs made it onto Lilith's plate, except now they were going to be cold because _Lilith wasn’t here)_ left on the table. The cake remained in the fridge, untouched. 

When the crystal ball had started to hum, Eda leapt up from her spot on the couch. Dad took the call (Eda wasn’t allowed to after she broke their last crystal ball, even though it wasn’t even her fault) with Eda hovering around him impatiently. In just a few short seconds, her hopes had been dashed by a prerecorded message that spat out Lilith’s voice into their living room. 

“Mom, Dad, I’m _so_ sorry, I got caught up in Coven business. Don’t wait up for me for dinner, leave the door unlocked, I’ll be home late tonight, okayIloveyoubye!” 

_She didn’t even mention me._ Eda brought the bottle to her lips and steeled herself before taking another sip. It was easier if she didn’t stop to smell what she was drinking. Or think about how it was going to taste. 

Eda had stormed up the stairs after that, going straight to her room and slamming the door so hard the pictures on the wall rattled and ignoring the disapproval her father barked at her. Bitter thoughts coursed through her mind, and with each passing second Eda's sense of betrayal grew. 

_The first chance in months we get to see each other—the first time since before her last birthday—and she can't even be bothered to make it home._

She could feel power swirling in her veins, answering her wordless call, and for a second she had the insane temptation to just… let it out. To see what she really had in her, to find a limit she had yet to reach—but as tempting as it was, Eda still had the presence of mind not to raze her own bedroom while she was in it. Still, her pain demanded an outlet. She had to do _something_ or it would burn her up from the inside out. 

Eda's homework sat where she had left it on her desk: blank, untouched, just mocking her with its incompleteness. The perfect target. 

The worksheet for advanced potion reagents was crumpled into a ball and incinerated in Eda's palm. The rest of the pages were still staring her down, though, so they had to go as well. One by one, they were summarily destroyed, until Eda was left with nothing more than a pile of ashes and the lingering smell of smoke. 

_Stupid homework. Stupid school. Stupid Lilith._

Why couldn’t she just _be here?_ She spent the last three months up at that stupid castle, why couldn’t she make it home for one full weekend? 

Did she… did Lilith not want to see her? 

_That_ particular thought had hit Eda like a blow to the chest, a nauseating, hollow feeling that spread from her heart like crawling rot. She sat down hard on her bed, bouncing limply on the springs, and looked around, realizing with a groan that she had left her favorite blanket in Lilith’s room. 

She had known what she really wanted in that moment, and hated herself for it. That was something she was getting used to, though, so with a quick spell circle, Eda was invisible. Another spell muted any noise she would make for the next thirty seconds or so. The last thing Eda needed was a lecture from Mom or Dad on slamming doors. 

Her precaution had turned out to be wholly unnecessary, as her parents showed neither hide nor hair of themselves as Eda walked down the hall and slipped into Lilith’s bedroom, closing the door behind her as her illusion spells had worn off. She had thrown herself down onto Lilith’s bed with a groan, wrapped herself in the blankets left on the bed, and waited to feel better. Being in the room where some of her happiest memories had taken place never failed to improve her mood. 

…except for today, it seemed. The familiar scent of the blankets, the clutter and chaos Eda could see from where she lay, the clothing left behind and little knicknacks that just screamed ‘Lilith,’ all of it brought her no comfort. It was so familiar, so comforting, yet there was one glaring flaw. 

Lilith still wasn’t home. 

What was the point of comforting blankets and familiar chaos and happy memories when the person that made all those things special didn’t even care enough to show up? Eda tore the covers off of her in a flash, tossing them aside violently and clambering to her feet. The anger was back, flames licking at the interiors of her mind, and every twitching glance she shot around the room just made it worse. She saw Lilith’s dresser, ornate wooden carvings covered by stickers and glitter that Eda had put there in one of her girlier phases. The finger painting Eda had done when she was five that Lilith had gotten framed as a joke when Eda turned 13. The polished silver mirror that Lilith had taken Eda to after she had learned the hair growth spell, where Eda had looked in the mirror, dressed in her sister’s clothes, head heavy with golden locks, and seen a girl for the first time.

It was all so unbearably _precious._ The halcyon days of summer, evenings of Lilith patiently helping Eda through her homework, the undying support of her older sister as Eda found herself… an awful urge was rising inside her, an ugly, twisted feeling. 

All these precious memories meant nothing if Lilith didn’t even remember Eda from her lofty position in the Emperor’s Coven, right? 

Bottles of nail polish, painted mugs filled with pens and pencils, old sticky notes with inside jokes scribbled on them—all were sent to the floor with a sudden crash as Eda swept them off her sister’s desk. A mug shattered on the floor, shards of ceramic scattering under the desk. Eda’s heart thumped in her chest, the adrenaline surge of destruction battling with the sudden fear of reprimand. Any second now, she expected to hear heavy footfalls stomping up the stairs, a sure sign that an irate lecture was to follow. 

When after several agonizing seconds, none came, Eda let loose. 

She tore pictures and photos from the walls, dashing them against the floor and shattering the fragile frames, sending glass shards everywhere. Dresser drawers were emptied, some onto the floor and some into the trash in no particular order. Eda stomped over to Lilith's precious bookshelf and with a vicious gesture, coupled with just the barest hint of her magical power, still simmering dangerously under her skin, she sent dozens of books flying from their neatly ordered shelves. She was a whirlwind of destruction, sparing nothing in her path, until at last, all that was left was the mirror. Eda stood before it, breathing hard, her pulse roaring in her ears and her magic responding in kind, just begging to be let out. She raised a hand, one claw pointed viciously at the ornate, silver mirror, with its spotless surface and carven vines of ivy encircling the frame. It had been Lilith's prized possession ever since she was a little girl, an heirloom passed down to Clawthorne daughters through generations. 

(She had tried to give it to Eda for her twelfth birthday, but Mom shot that idea down, saying it belonged with the eldest daughter)

With nothing more than a thought, Eda could turn it to bubbling slag. The thought made her want to throw up. She dropped her hand—when had it started shaking?—and fell to her knees. She was shaking all over now, and the sick feeling in her stomach was settling into her stomach and making a home for itself.

What the hell had she just done? Casting her gaze around the room was like seeing the devastation with clear eyes for the first time. Broken glass littered the floor in several places, nail polish oozed from uncapped bottles, staining the rug. Shame bloomed in Eda’s heart, pure mortification bringing tears to her eyes and making her face burn red. Lilith was going to kill her. 

Unless she fixed it first. Eda was a powerful witch, she could put everything back in order. Probably. She raised a finger, preparing to draw a circle that would start to repair the worst of the damage… and stopped. 

Instead, Eda staggered to her feet and threw herself face down on the bed. 

_Maybe Lilith will kill me, but at least she won’t be able to ignore this._

Eda had spent the next two hours steeping in self pity amidst the destruction of her sister’s bedroom. Eventually she had realized she was still wearing her school uniform, so she changed into pajamas. Which in this case meant peeling off her leggings, throwing them in the corner, and stealing the first comfy looking pajama shirt she could find from the top drawer of Lilith's dresser, which had mercifully escaped Eda's wrath. Her monumental task completed, Eda promptly returned to wallowing in bed. 

Not long after, she heard her mom wish an awkward goodnight to Eda’s door down the hall, evidently assuming that her daughter was still holed up in her room, before sighing and walking away. That was fine. There was only one person Eda wanted to talk to right now, and she wasn’t here. 

The house was quiet, then, lights dimmed to their nighttime settings, a soft glow just barely enough to illuminate the halls. Once she was safely certain that her parents were asleep, Eda padded down the stairs to check the front door, making sure it was unlocked. Even if she was starting to doubt that Lilith would even show up that night. 

It wasn’t until she returned to Lilith’s room (somehow, even with the destruction, it was better than being in her own) that Eda had her brilliant idea. 

If Lilith wasn’t going to be there to celebrate, why shouldn’t Eda have a little celebration of her own? 

She was more than used to bad behavior by now, so there was no reason for her nerves as she slowly unwrapped the bottle from the blanket she had swaddled it in. It was a small thing, really, with no label on the front, and a warm, amber colored liquid inside. Eda decided it was brandy. Or maybe whiskey, or rum. Those were orange, right? 

Whatever it was, it was a lot stronger than the wine Eda had snuck before. Just sniffing the bottle after she had cracked the cap off had sent a shiver down her spine. However, Eda had brewed and drank her fair share of noxious potions before, and moreover, she was no coward. After working up her nerve, she raised the bottle to her lips and took a cautious sip. 

So, it turned out, alcohol was _disgusting._

She didn’t gag, or spit it out, or do any of those corny exaggerated actions she always saw in crystal ball programs when a kid would sneak some booze, but it was a close thing. The stuff burned her throat as she swallowed, and it was only through an impressive act of self control that she was able to choke it down. It settled in her stomach with a strange warmth, a pleasant contrast to the harsh chemical burn that still stung her throat, but other than that, Eda didn’t really feel any different. 

Still, there had to be a reason people drank this stuff, right? 

And guess what—there totally was! The second sip had been just as nauseating as the first, and it had taken her a few minutes to convince herself this was worth it, but by her fourth, it wasn't quite so bad. The warmth in her stomach became a roaring blaze, and Eda felt looser, less wound up, than she had in months. Even thinking about Lilith wasn’t so painful, now! Eda couldn’t exactly say how much time had passed between when she’d started drinking and now. There was still a good two-thirds—okay, maybe closer to half—of the bottle left, though, so it couldn’t have been _that_ long. 

Eda leaned back against the pillows, a low sigh escaping her lips. Her head was swimming a bit, but it was nothing she couldn’t handle. Maybe Lilith wasn’t even going to show up. Maybe she’d decided it was too late to even bother coming back, and she wouldn’t be here until tomorrow. Or she’d cancel the trip entirely. 

Well, that was fine by Eda! She didn’t need Lilith. She had herself, her magic, and most of a bottle of (probably) brandy left, and that was more than enough. 

It would have to be enough. 

Eda’s stormy thoughts slipped away from her like water spilling through her fingers as the moonlight filtering through the window caught her eye. There were tiny motes of dust illuminated in the air, swirling in the faint breeze coming in from the cracked windowsill, and Eda watched them, mesmerized. 

She could find her peace here. She might be alone, drunk, and sitting in the wreckage of her sister’s destroyed bedroom… but there was a fragile sort of beauty to be found in the ruins of one’s own life. She could do this, Eda told herself. She could _—oh sweet Titan was that a knock at the front door?_

Eda strained to hear anything over the sudden pounding of her heartbeat. Just as she had begun to convince herself that she'd just been hearing things, the knock came again. Three solid raps against the wooden door, followed by the distinctive clunk of the handle being tested. 

_Oh, fuck, I am so incredibly screwed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is gonna go well, i'm sure :) 
> 
> on a more serious note, please, do not do what Eda's doing here, and for the love of god do not take her narration about drinking being awesome as fact. this fic is based in part on my own underage drinking experiences, and i really would not recommend replicating.
> 
> with that said, if you liked the fic, maybe leave a kudos or comment? i'd be interested to know how people think Lilith's going to react to finding all this upon coming home.


	2. and nothing left to burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith arrives late to the party.

Eda’s mind went into overdrive as she heard the front door open, then close a few seconds later. Unfortunately, as this was a panicked, drunken overdrive, it wasn't terribly conducive to a swift reaction. She was frozen with fear as she heard Lilith’s footsteps grow slowly louder as her sister climbed the stairs up to the second floor. Then, curiously, she stopped. 

“Edalyn? Are you still awake?” Lilith’s voice floated from down the hall. Eda’s first impulse was, for whatever reason, to call out in response, until she realized that Lilith had stopped outside of Eda’s bedroom, not her own. Hah! Nice try, Lilith. Now she would see that Eda wasn’t in her own room and… oh, fuck. 

Another “Edalyn?” sounded, fainter this time—most likely Lilith had opened the door to Eda’s bedroom and stuck her head in. Eda, however, was busy freaking out. She went to shove the brandy bottle under a pillow, only realizing at the last second that it was still uncapped, and wasted at least ten seconds tearing through the covers trying to find it. When that failed, her attention turned to the much larger issue: the utterly wrecked bedroom she was sitting in. Dreading the result of her sister finding her room like this, Eda drew a spell circle to… put it back, turn it invisible, _something._

Or, tried to, anyways. It turned out that circles were pretty difficult to draw with a third of a bottle of brandy in you! Eda’s panic only grew as the click of Lilith’s flats began to sound down the hall, ever closer with each step. None of Eda’s desperate spell circles closed, the glowing energy wavering and fizzling before her eyes. Finally, with Lilith’s footsteps nearly reaching the door, Eda marshaled her trembling hands into some measure of control, focused her considerable willpower, and cast a quick, decisive spell. 

The door locked shut with an audible click. 

_Motherfucker._

Not even a second later—Lilith must have been already reaching for the door when Eda finally got her spell off—the doorknob began to rattle fruitlessly before Lilith let out a tired sigh, audible even through the door. 

“Edalyn, I know you’re in there. I heard you lock the door.” Eda cringed. Of course _that_ had been the spell that worked. She looked around the room shakily, hoping for something to get her out of this, but the sight of so many precious memories laying in shambles only deepened her dread. Lilith was going to kill her, and Eda wouldn’t even be able to blame her. She deserved it. 

“Alright, fine. I’m coming in.” 

Eda froze. A second later, the lock on the door gave a firm thunk. The doorknob turned, painfully slow, and the door creaked open. 

A blue witchlight hovered in the hallway, casting light into the darkened room. Lilith stood before it, both the person Eda wanted to see most in the world, and the source of her current all-consuming dread. 

Sure enough, as her eyes darted around the room, taking in the scene of destruction, Lilith's expression went from resigned to baffled to furious in the space of a moment, and Eda could only prepare herself for the worst. 

Then her gaze landed on Eda, and any trace of anger on her face vanished, replaced by stark horror. 

"Edalyn, are you _drinking?"_ Lilith demanded. It wasn't disgust in her voice, probably, but it was too close to the same tone everybody took to talk about Eda these days, and coming from Lilith, it cut straight through even the pleasant buzz of inebriation. Shame curdled in Eda's gut, thick and cloying, and for a moment she was overcome with regret. 

But wait. She had a solution for that! 

"No," Eda said, and raised the bottle to her lips defiantly to take another sip. Lilith crossed the room in a few long strides, letting her bag fall to the floor as she did. Eda's eyes widened as she realized Lilith was headed straight for her; and whether by accident or as some last ditch effort to make the most of her stolen surprise, Eda took an extra large gulp of brandy. 

Her throat burned, and she coughed violently, spluttering and spitting alcohol all over her bare legs—which was disgusting, but Eda currently had far greater problems. If the stuff felt bad going down, coughing it up was ten times worse; even with the numbing effect of what she had already drank (the first sip was the worst, after a while she barely felt it anymore) it felt like she had tried drinking from the ocean. 

Lilith reached her side and wrenched the bottle from her lips before slapping Eda roughly on the back several times until she stopped coughing. Tears had sprung up in the corners of Eda's eyes, and her throat felt stripped raw, but she glared at Lilith balefully nonetheless. 

"What in the Titan's name do you think you're doing?" Lilith hissed. "You're fifteen! You can't—you can't get drunk!" 

_Of course._

"Welcome home t'you too, Lily!" Eda said, and okay, maybe it was getting a bit hard to talk straight, but whatever. It only figured that Lilith's first words to Eda in months would be berating her for not following the damn rules. Eda knew exactly what she wanted to say to that, though. Something that would really put Lilith in her place for being such a goody two-shoes square. "Whatsa matter, you worried the coven'll kick you out if they find out your sister's some… some criminal freak?"

That was _not it._ Shit, maybe Eda was more drunk than she had realized. Lilith's face crumpled, her righteous indignation giving way to horror. It made Eda feel awful, a gross churning sensation in her gut. 

So she did the logical thing and snatched the bottle of brandy from Lilith's hand before going for another swig. 

"Edalyn!" 

Titan, it hurt even worse after coughing up the last mouthful, and it tasted like nail polish smelled, but the burn as it settled in her stomach was worth it. She shuddered as she lowered the bottle, leaving it resting against her thigh in a loose grip. 

"Why are you doing this?" Lilith's voice had that pinched quality that Eda knew meant she was trying not to cry, and even in the low light Eda could make out the telltale flush in her cheeks that Lilith only got when she was really upset. "Is it Mom and Dad? Did they do something?" 

Eda barked out a laugh, only realizing a few seconds later that she should probably be quieter or risk waking their parents up. In her defense, it was a very funny question. 

"Mom n'Dad didn't do shit," Eda rasped. 

"Then what?" Lilith demanded. "Why would you—debase yourself like this?" 

Eda snorted. Who even said things like 'debase?' Were they giving her vocab lessons up at that castle? Did the Emperor's Coven have an official thesaurus? 

"Why are you laughing, there's nothing funny about this situation!" Lilith hissed, clearly trying to keep her voice down despite her anger. 

"It was for you, stupid!" Eda's mouth moved without her permission again, closer to a shout than a whisper. Her head was swimming even worse than before, and it kind of felt like the room was moving a bit, but she had eyes only for Lilith, glaring at her in the dim light. Her hair, she only just noticed, lay completely straight, the poofy curls Eda had admired so much flattened into tamed, lifeless locks. Lilith had mentioned that she’d started straightening her hair, of course, but actually seeing it was another thing. Eda hated it.

At Eda's shout, Lilith's eyes had gone wide, and she shot a nervous glance over her shoulder at the door, which still lay partially open. A quick gesture with her hand and it closed itself, another rapid circle did… something.

“There, I muffled the room, so you won't wake up Mom and Dad with your yelling." Lilith folded her arms. “Now, what do you mean it was "for me?" Why would I _possibly_ want my little sister to get drunk?” 

Eda groaned. She moved to raise a hand up to her forehead, not realizing until she heard the sloshing that it was the hand holding the bottle. She quickly moved it back to her side, trying to pass it off as… something, and hoped her embarrassment wouldn’t show on her face. 

“It was for _us,”_ Eda said, scowling at Lilith, who sat on the very edge of the bed beside her. “For you coming home! I got mom to make braised gristlehorn, I went to that stupid bakery you love and bought you a cake, and I swiped this from the liquor cabinet.” Her chest ached like she’d drained her bile sac dry, despite having cast no magic that day. It was probably, no, definitely from the alcohol, and had nothing to do with how much she’d wanted to celebrate with Lilith, to have her sister smile at her gratefully when she found out Eda had gotten her favorite meal, or to stay up ‘til the early hours of the morning, whispering and sharing sips of a stolen prize. “So much for that, right?” What was meant to be a snarky, sarcastic quip came out a sad and self-pitying complaint. Eda burned with shame. 

“Edalyn…” Eda startled as she felt her sister’s hand alight on her shoulder, gentle like she was trying to soothe a wild animal. 

“Don’t touch me!” Lilith withdrew her hand like she’d been burned. Eda’s shoulder felt cold, her skin tingling where Lilith’s fingers had been, and she wasn’t sure who she hated more—herself, for the way she immediately regretted the command, or Lilith, for actually listening. “You couldn’t even… be _bothered_ to tell me y'weren’t gonna be home, don’t act like you care." 

"Edalyn, of course I care. I made it home as soon as I could, the situation was out of my hands. Now come on, let's throw this out." Lilith reached for the half-empty bottle of brandy, and Eda panicked. 

“No! Fuck off, this is mine," she slurred. Shit, was she swaying a bit, or was that just… no, she definitely was. “If you wanted some you shoulda come home.” 

"You think _that’s_ my problem with what’s going on here?" 

"I can do what I want!" Eda sneered. "What're you gonna do, tell mom and dad?"

"Well—maybe I will! This isn't okay, you're not allowed to drink yet for a reason!" 

Eda started to laugh. It wasn't a happy sound. It was low, and bitter, and felt like Eda was swallowing gravel, but she couldn't help it; it was just so _funny._

"So this is the new Lilith, right?" Eda said, giggling childishly. "The perfect model citizen… ready to turn on her sister the moment she doesn't follow the rules." A thought reached her through her inebriation like a sunbeam cutting through murky water. "I knew it!" Eda said brightly and turned to face Lilith, floating on the clarity of her realization, brandy bottle still hanging loosely from one hand. "You really don't care about me at all!" 

Lilith made a noise like she had been socked in the gut, a choked sort of gasp that felt far too guttural to ever have come from such a prim and proper witch. Eda, however, was on a roll, barreling forward with the fervent momentum of the truly hammered.

"I mean, it took ya a bit longer'n everybody else… but I knew you'd give up on me too." _Oh, Titan._ Eda was aware, on some level, that this was exactly what she had been trying to avoid talking about, but it seemed such a distant concern when Lilith was right there and wouldn’t stop looking at Eda like that. The words continued to spill out of her as she gripped the neck of the bottle tight enough to make her knuckles go white. 

"Izzit the curse? I bet it's the curse. Don't worry, Lily, y'know I'd never hurt you, right?" To her horror, Eda felt tears welling up in her eyes. 

That, more than anything else, seemed to galvanize Lilith to action, her eyes going wide with dismay.

“No! Never, Edalyn, I know you’d never hurt me.” Lilith placed a hand on Eda’s wrist, feather-light. “And the curse, that’s—that’s not your fault.” 

“You don’t know that. Maybe it is. Maybe it was always in me.” Fuck, where had that loose, airy feeling of freedom gone? Eda just felt like she was drowning in a sea of unspoken doubts, everything she’d wished she could confide to Lilith over her months of absence bubbling to the surface against her will. She needed a way out, and one presented itself. 

She was already way too drunk. What was a little more? Sure, Eda estimated there was a fair chance she’d throw up, but on the bright side, maybe she would forget this whole mortifying ordeal! 

“I’m not going to tell mom or dad, okay! I don’t even care if it’s illegal or not, Edalyn—I’m worried about you.” Lilith stared at her, imploring, her hand still resting on Eda’s wrist. “Please, just let me help.” 

“If you’re so worried, then why’d you leave me?” Everything in Eda ached to take this excuse, to accept her sister’s care and attention, but some blackened, twisted part of her spat and clawed at her insides at the thought of it. No, Lilith couldn’t just come in and make everything better like she used to. There was no fixing Eda. “This…” she gestured with the bottle, the amber liquid inside sloshing around precariously. “This was s’posed to be for us. To celebrate.” Eda chuckled bitterly, wincing at the pain it brought her throat. “But you never showed up! That’s okay, though. I can celebrate allllll by myself.” 

Her mind made up, Eda raised the bottle to her lips—or tried to, anyway, as Lilith’s hand shot out to grab the bottle. Brandy sloshed dangerously close to the lip, but didn’t spill. Eda, for her part, refused to let go, but for all her strength, she was not the sober one of the two, and Lilith successfully managed to wrestle it down, holding it firmly on the bed. Eda glared and bared her fangs, but when she saw her sister’s face, she was taken aback by the lack of frustration or anger, enough so that she ceased struggling herself. Lilith looked… hesitant, almost contemplative. 

“Well, I’m… I’m here now, aren’t I?” Lilith said slowly. She maintained her grip on the bottle with one hand, using the other to slowly unwrap Eda’s fingers from the neck of it. Eda, for her part, would have protested, had she not found herself mesmerized by the soft, careful motions of Lilith’s fingers on her own. She allowed Lilith to move each individual finger before she slid the bottle out of Eda’s grip. 

_No one’s been that gentle with me in—wait, what did she say?_

Eda stared at Lilith through narrowed eyes for several seconds, trying to parse out some hidden meaning to her words. She couldn’t actually mean what Eda thought she meant, right? 

“You’re seriously tryin’ to tell me you’re gonna drink the other half of this with me?” 

There was no way, absolutely zero chance, that prim, proper, Emperor’s Coven Lilith would—Oh. Okay. Okay, wow, that’s exactly what she was doing. Lilith grimaced like she was swallowing poison (which, if you asked Eda, she was) but the bottle was noticeably emptier by the time she lowered it. Eda could see the shudder that traveled down Lilith's spine afterward, and knew from tonight's experience that she was probably trying not to gag. 

"Titan's breath, that's disgusting." Lilith pulled a face, briefly glaring down at the bottle resting in her lap like it had stepped on her robe. Eda stared. “Edalyn, I should have been here. Maybe I should never even have—well, that’s beside the point. I’m not going to tell on you, but…” Lilith looked at Eda, nervous and hopeful all at once. “Well, what kind of older sibling would I be if I let my little sister drink alone?” 

That’s not how this was supposed to go. Lilith was supposed to be furious, she was supposed to yell at Eda, bring Mom and Dad in, not… not sink to Eda’s level. Eda was going to ruin her. She would drag Lilith down into the mud until she was a monster, just like her. 

_But at least I won't be alone._

“You gonna pass that over?” Eda asked innocently. Even drunk, she knew exactly how to get what she wanted out of Lilith. “No way you’re finishing it yourself.” Lilith stared at her, calculating, before raising the bottle once more. 

"You wanna bet?" 

  
  
  


Lilith shuddered as she set the empty bottle down hard on the nightstand. Eda wasn't sure how late it was, or how long it had been since Lilith got home—half an hour? Longer? Time was difficult. 

After Eda had issued her challenge, Lilith had slipped off her shoes and changed out of her uniform, still ignoring the destruction of the room, and sat down next to Eda on her bed. The foot of distance between them burned; Eda wasn't sure if she wanted to close the gap or run so far away that Lilith would never find her. 

They talked as Lilith drank—Eda managed to sneak in one more sip, much to her sister's dismay. It was all meaningless bullshit, Eda was just rambling, but it was the nicest conversation Eda had had in months. 

Or it would have been, had it not been tainted by the knowledge that she was poisoning Lilith the whole time. Every time Lilith raised the bottle, Eda felt a sick thrill of satisfaction run through her, followed immediately by a burst of shame. She should have told Lilith to stop, to pour the bottle out or magic it away or something. Eda thought about doing it, pieced the words she ought to say together in her mind as Lilith wiped her mouth off with a disgusted look, but she just… didn't. 

"Edalyn." 

All the while, the distance between them remained. No more than a foot, give or take, but it felt like a yawning chasm to Eda. She pulled a blanket loosely around her shoulders, but it didn't help. 

No one really touched Eda anymore. After she had blacked out and gone all feathered-and-feral during a class excursion to the Beastkeeping grounds (the graffiti left on her locker after that incident had been _hilarious)_ Eda might as well have been casting a permanent personal shield. The few friends that didn’t drop her on the spot claimed it didn't bother them, but Eda could tell they were wary. The friendly arms slung around shoulders, the hugs as they said their goodbyes for the weekend, those had all disappeared. 

"Edalyn?"

She could just… lean over and give Lilith a hug. Eda used to cling to her sister all the time, delighting in the way Lilith would groan and roll her eyes but indulge her nine times out of ten.

"Edalynnnnnnn." 

Ugh, why did Lilith have to finish the booze? Eda didn't want to think about this. Wasn't drinking supposed to be good for that? And yet here she was, lost in her own head, unable to make a— 

Eda was unceremoniously pulled from her thoughts by a sharp tug on her arm. Her balance long since stolen by alcohol, she pitched to the side. Eda ended up being jabbed in the cheek by Lilith's shoulder and nearly toppling off the bed entirely, saved only by her sister grabbing her arm a second time before she could fall. Eda barely felt the impact, but her head was spinning nonetheless, and she rubbed her cheek as she glared at Lilith. 

"What the hell was that for? Are you trying to kill me?" she hissed. Lilith still had her arm in an iron grip, and she was staring at Eda with an intensity that made the hairs on the nape of her neck stand on end. Was Lilith mad about her room? Did she regret letting Eda talk her into drinking? Would she— 

For the second time in as many minutes, Eda was abruptly tugged off balance as Lilith drew her into a crushing hug. 

"I missed you so much!" Lilith's slender arms wrapped around Eda's shoulders with surprising strength. She was warm, wore the same lavender perfume she always had, and her embrace felt like home. It was the comfort and safety Eda had yearned for in her weakest moments, when she couldn't quite convince herself that her classmates' distance was jealousy and not disgust, when her dad's suggestion that she take yet another elixir felt more like fear than concern. She wanted nothing more than to melt into the hug and finally, _finally_ drop the armor she had built around herself over all these lonely months. 

But Eda didn't get what she wanted. Not anymore. 

"Get off of me," Eda growled. She squirmed, trying to flex her arms to force her sister to move, but Lilith only held on tighter, if anything. Eda's chest ached like she was trying to pry her own heart out, but she had to do this. She had to. "Don't act like you care now, you left! Now get off!" With a snarl, Eda finally managed to tear herself free of Lilith's arms, shoving her sister and scrambling backwards herself, until her back hit the wall that the bed was set against. 

Eda regretted it almost immediately; the ache in her chest had become an howling void the second Lilith’s warmth faded from her skin. The steady pounding in her head beat in time with the waves of despair coursing through her. Why the fuck had she done that? Eda was ruining this, just like she had ruined every other good thing in her life. 

But when Lilith pushed herself up, she didn’t look angry, or even disappointed. She scooted forward until her knees knocked against Eda’s, and if it weren’t for the fact that she had to steady herself with a hand planted shakily on the bed, Eda would have thought she was completely sober. Lilith stared at Eda with a quiet intensity that made the younger witch squirm. She felt picked apart, like every doubt and nasty thought about herself she’d ever had was on display for Lilith to sort through. 

"I do care, Edalyn,” Lilith said fiercely. Her eyes didn’t leave Eda’s for a moment, and Eda couldn’t look away, pinned by the weight of her gaze. “You're the most important person in the world to me. I care about you so, so much."

Eda stared. She was pretty sure it wasn’t the alcohol making her numb. She tried to search Lilith’s face for any hint of duplicity or drunken foolishness, the slightest sign that she was just trying to mollify Eda, but found nothing. 

“You can’t.” Eda’s mouth moved without her permission, the words falling dead and hollow from her lips. She cringed, staring down at her lap for a moment, before forcing herself to look up once more.

“I do, though.” Lilith wouldn’t stop _looking_ at her, like she cared, like she loved her, and everything in Eda ached to lay down, to stop fighting, to accept the one person who had always, always understood her. Eda hesitated. Maybe it would be alright. No. Fuck, no, she couldn't, but what could she _say?_

All her excuses had run out, all that was left was for the awful truth to claw its way out of her. The miserable, pitch-black ingot of rot at her core that had grown and grown and grown, the thing that was eating her alive every second of every day. It was the one thing Lilith could never find out; it was the only way Eda could make her understand. 

"I'm cursed!” The words burned Eda’s throat like no liquor ever could. She felt tears welling up in her eyes, and loathing coursed through her like magma in her veins, but she couldn’t stop. “I'm a—I'm a monster, you can't love me, I'll ruin everything!" Lilith was a blur in the darkness, obscured by a film of tears that finally spilled over, etching searing trails down Eda’s cheeks as she let out a single choked sob. Her heart lurched when she felt Lilith’s hands alight on her shoulders, a mixture of hope and dread that left Eda feeling like she could shatter at the slightest provocation.

"You’re not a monster, Edalyn,” Lilith murmured, so soft Eda thought she might just die. “You’re my sister." She gave Eda’s shoulders a squeeze for emphasis, gentle yet firm, because she _still didn’t get it._

"I—I ruined your room!” Eda said desperately. “I tore your favorite dress!" Why couldn’t Lilith see what everyone else could? 

"I don't care about the room, or the dress," Lilith said, so patient it made Eda want to scream. A sick desperation coursed through her. Lilith was her heart, her nest, she was the last good thing in Eda's life. Maybe… just maybe, she could let herself have this. 

_But won't it hurt so much more when she finally sees what you really are?_

The thought struck Eda like a hammer blow to the chest. Panic seized her, turning her blood to ice, as her fantasy came crashing down, torn to shreds by the inevitable, inexorable truth of the thing that lived inside her—and Lilith must have seen it, too. She squeezed Eda’s shoulders again, opened her mouth to offer yet more forgiveness that would burn Eda’s monstrous heart like the sun pierced a shadow, and Eda had to say something, _anything,_ to make her stop. 

"Edalyn, I—" 

_"I hate you!"_

Even if she had finished the entire bottle of brandy herself, Eda didn't think she would ever be able to forget the noise Lilith made at that. A strangled whimper, less than a second long, that may as well have etched itself into her heart with a paring knife. 

An awful numbness spread through Eda as Lilith's hands dropped limply from her shoulders, but that numbness almost immediately gave way to a surge of regret so strong she thought she might drown in it, nausea flooding her as her own words echoed in her mind. Eda would have given ten years of her life to erase those last ten seconds, but there was no magic that could fix what she had done. 

"Lily, I—" Eda choked on her words, her throat closing up with grief. She stared at her lap, shame coursing through her as she tried to blink back tears. "I didn't—" 

"It's—it's alright, Edalyn." Eda felt something in her crack and splinter at the sound of her sister's voice. She sounded like broken glass, like so many shards swept into a witch shaped frame, and Eda found herself bowed under the weight of a single, all-consuming thought: _I did this to her._

"Really, I'm—" Lilith's speech cut off, and when Eda finally looked up, she saw why. 

Lilith was biting down on her lower lip so hard Eda could see her fangs indenting into her skin… but it was the twin tear tracks slipping down her sister's cheeks that finally broke Eda from her frozen state. 

"I'm sorry!" Eda practically threw herself against Lilith, knocking her flat on her back. Eda clung to her sister like her life depended on it, grabbing fistfuls of her robe as she buried her face in the crook of Lilith’s shoulder and sobbed. “I’m sorry, Lily, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it, I'm sorry…" Alcohol and anguish conspired to slur her speech until even Eda wasn't sure what she was saying, mindless apologies that barely formed words. Eventually, speaking was beyond her, and it was all she could do to lay there, her head tucked into the crook of Lilith's neck, and cry. 

Lilith drew her arms around Eda's back, holding her firmly to her. Eventually, one of her hands found Eda's hair and she began to rake her nails through it—slow, but not too gentle, just the way Eda liked.

She tried to ignore the way Lilith trembled beneath her, how unsteady her hands felt, or the way that several times, her breath would catch in her chest like she'd been frozen in place before she let out a long, shuddering sigh.

Eda cried until there was nothing left in her, until her eyes were red and puffy and her head felt like it was splitting in two. At one point, though Eda couldn’t recall it happening, Lilith had somehow moved the two of them so she could lean back against the headboard of the bed, a mound of pillows beneath her back, while Eda lay her head on her sister’s chest and sobbed. The world was reduced to the two of them, to Lilith’s warmth, her arms around Eda’s shoulders, the comforting words murmured into her hair as every last drop of anguish poured out of her, until at last, Eda could cry no more. She felt empty, wrung dry, a husk of a witch. She didn’t want to talk, or think, or do anything but lay there and listen to the sound of Lilith’s heartbeat. 

So that’s what she did. Eda curled herself around Lilith as best she could and thought that maybe, just maybe, this kindness wouldn’t be temporary. Her tired eyes slid shut, offering blessed relief from the stinging sensation that had crept up on her and starting to ebb away at the tension that still pressed at her temples, and she let out a tiny, satisfied murmur as Lilith's nails scratched a particularly satisfying spot on her scalp. 

Eda could feel herself beginning to drift off. The world was reduced to a single point, the rise and fall of Lilith's chest underneath Eda's cheek the only thing that remained. Waves of exhaustion washed over her, eroding her consciousness in stages like a rising tide laps at the shore.

As she teetered on the verge of sleep, Eda became dimly aware of a low rumble against her cheek. After a few seconds, she realized it was Lilith speaking, and tried to scrape together enough conscious thought to make out the words. 

"Please forgive me, Edalyn… I'm so sorry. I never…"

Lilith was… apologizing for something. Although the meaning escaped her, Eda couldn't miss the tone, low and mournful. 

But that was silly. What did she have to be sorry for?

There was only one monster here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just 'cause i feel like i should say it, the "hey don't do this" from last chapter applies twice as hard here. goading someone into drinking with you sucks, doesn't matter if they're older than you. 
> 
> thanks for reading.


End file.
